Glue Gunnin' for a Fight

Chicago Tribune’s RedEye September 14, 2012
I have painstakingly crafted Pinterest boards to decorate imaginary houses, fill make-believe closets and plan fictional vacations. I have stacks of well-intentioned exercises that are supposed to give me Wonder Woman’s butt and bottomless recipe boxes full of meals I’ve never attempted.
Like pretty much every other Pinterest user out there, I’ve lost hours to the mental masturbation that is Pinterest. Well, it’s time I stop pin-crastinating and start doing! (Cue “Eye of the Tiger.”) I decided to try a new craft project from my DIY board every day for a month. I recorded my progress below. Some details may be greatly exaggerated.
Day 1: Success! Spray-painted a bunch of pine cones silver and stuck them in a glass jar. A confused silver spider wandered out but other than that, this was a win. One pin down.
Day 3: Got off to a slow start today after I spent two hours Googling Prince Harry’s naked pictures. Procrastination will not beat me!
Day 10: Didn’t leave the house today. It all started when I attempted to create a waterfall braid that must take at least five volunteers at least four hours to accomplish (or maybe three people and two hours if they are all structural engineers). Chalking this one up to failure, but I still consider it a bit of a win since I’ve decided those complicated braids make you look like you’re in a cult. Perhaps waterfall braids are easier to do if you have access to sister-wives.
Day 12: Made self-tanner suggested by FunMom82 out of black tea and lotion. The results were, at best, splotchy. Later, when I ran out to get more Mod Podge, a stranger with tears in her eyes promised to pray for my health. Also: My bathtub is ruined.
Day 14: Attempted “nail art” today. The less said, the better.
Day 15: My hands are dyed navy blue to the wrist after I tried to re-create some ombre curtains that Anthropologie came out with last year.
Day 17: My Pomeranian is furious with me after I made her wear the crooked pillowcase dress that Pinner Susie McGlone promised would be easy to make. Susie lied.
Day 19: The welts from the glue gun burn I suffered making festive garland out of paper plates and ribbons have almost healed. The Pomeranian bites have not.
Day 20: More crafts are appearing on my pinboard, but I don’t remember pinning them. Odd.
Day 22: Crafted a bento box lunch re-creating “Washington Crossing the Delaware.” The blue rice of the icy river is bleeding into the bright white powdered wigs (carved out of fresh mozzarella). Must take a picture and post it to Facebook before the entire thing is awash.
Day 22 (Later): Response on Facebook was minimal. Got only two likes and one comment reading: “Katie, are you OK? Have you been out of your house this week?”
Day 24: Blew my nose today and only glitter came out. What is happening to me?
Day 26: Deleted all my pins, all of my boards. Everything. I’m feeling much better now. Need to get a new hobby.
Day 27: Decided to take up origami. It seems much more soothing than crafting. Plus, I found a whole bunch of easy instructions on Pinterest. Named my new board “You Gotta Know When to Fold ‘Em.”