These Pants will Kill your Game

Chicago Tribune’s RedEye January 5, 2010

I recently was alerted to a horrific trend that I feel compelled to rally against.

No, it’s not a new e-mail scam that steals your identity or some weird new way kids are getting high. It’s much worse than that. It’s pajama jeans.

For those of you lucky enough to have not yet encountered them let me break it down for you: pajama jeans are dark blue sweat pants painted with fake stitching with a couple of pockets glued to the butt in an attempt to look like real clothes.

For those of you who actually own a pair of pajama jeans, allow me to be the honest best friend you clearly don’t have: You aren’t fooling anyone. We know they aren’t real pants.

No one wants to make out with someone wearing pajama jeans. If you choose to purchase the saggy-crotched sweats, your genitals might as well be waving a white flag. On a scale of Totally Un-datable to Johnny Depp, pajama jeans are going to land you somewhere around backne.

According to the unintentionally hilarious infomercial, the biggest draw of pajama jeans is that they’re comfortable–”so comfortable you’ll want to sleep in them.” As if sleeping in your clothes is a huge time saver or something you long to do not just after a night of too many tequila shots. Let’s be honest: The real reason people want to wear pajama jeans isn’t for comfort’s sake. It’s for laziness.

Pajama jeans wearers, you are better than that.

I’m not expecting anyone to walk the dog in Valentino and opera gloves, but don’t give up completely! I understand not wanting to look as though you tried too hard, but don’t you want to look like you tried at all? Like it or not, you are judged every day you walk out of the house by your clothing. We all are.

If you are ready to sacrifice your own style (and dignity, as all your friends will make fun of you behind your back–I promise) by wearing pajama jeans, won’t somebody think of the children? Think of the generations of kids decades from now picking up their history books and thumbing through the chapter on the 21st century, peppered with photos of a country full of pajama jeans and Crocs. You know how we sigh in pure fashion bliss watching “Mad Men” now? There will be none of that in cable shows of the future if this awful trend continues.

Let pajama jeans be the sartorial equivalent of the shot heard ’round the world–a garment so heinous that it sparks a revolution, a global change. We must rise up together against the tidal wave of casual culture that threatens to flood our nation. Rage against the siren song of comfort, comfort, comfort. Banish flip-flops as your Friday night shoes of choice, exile Crocs from your closets, confine yoga pants to the gym. Who’s with me? Heed our rallying cry, all together now: Down with pajama jeans!


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