A Feminine Formula for Teen Sex Comedies

Chicago Tribune’s RedEye September 23, 2010
Last week I saw “The Virginity Hit,” which is the latest movie within the tiny Hollywood genre featuring sex-crazed high school kids on a quest to lose their virginity (see also: “Porky’s,” “American Pie” and “Superbad”).
The problem with these movies is that they always star guys. Between the wacky high jinx and underage drinking, it’s always the nerdy and chubby boys who are ready to turn in their v-cards, and never the girls.
Oh sure, there are plenty of wacky teen comedies featuring a female lead cast, but they’re always are about a group of girls obsessing over fantasy prom dates and popularity makeovers. These caricatured girls have madcap shopping montages and talk about first kisses as if they’re as important and insurmountable as the summit of Mount Everest.
This might be a totally outlandish concept for some people, but by senior year of high school some girls are ready to lose their virginity. In fact, some girls are just as ready as their horn-dog male counterparts. These are not mythical creatures like unicorns or Cubs pennants–these are the mature, unashamed girls who I went to high school with.
When will there be a teen comedy about these girls?
(Back away from your keyboards before firing off an angry letter accusing me of glamorizing teenage sex. Here’s the thing: Teenage sex is always going to happen. Always. All I’m trying to point out is that as long as there is teenage sex, Hollywood will be making teen sex comedies, so why can’t we girls have one to call our own?)
I’ll give Hollywood a head start. Here’s what my teen sex comedy would look like: First, the cast would consist of real girls. The guys in “The Virginity Hit” are chubby, nerdy, and creepy-looking, or a combination of all those things. Naturally, all their potential conquests are beautiful girls–including a full-fledged, no-tan-lines porn star.
Let’s have a female version, shall we? I’m picturing a cast of young ladies who are nerdy-looking too (and not in the Hollywood sense of gorgeous-girl-wearing-glasses) and no one less than a size 4. The girls’ conquests would be strikingly handsome guys–even the nerds would have six-packs.
In my movie, the girls who did lose their virginity wouldn’t be punished with pregnancy (a la “Juno”) because they’d be smart and safe about it. There would be no silly subplots about a wacky English teacher or getting a driver’s license. However, there would be a hilarious scene in which one of these fantastic girls tries to set up the perfect date for her suitor. Instead of the cliched roses and candlelight that the boys in teen sex comedies foist awkwardly upon their girlfriends, the ladies would clumsily shower the guys with exactly what they think would get the romance flowing: a paintball gun, a few Big Macs, and letting them win at “Halo 3.”
Can somebody get Tina Fey on the phone? I think I’ve got something here.